-Forgiving myself to make amends-
« on: September 19, 2008, 04:20:21 AM » Quote Modify Remove

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-Forgiving myself to make amends-
I spent many years in active addiction consciously and unconsciously destroying everything around me. When I knew it, I would feel guilty, right up until I used some person, place, or thing to drown out my emotions until I could replace them with another self-centered thought that I could control. When I didn’t know, I would hide away that pain to bring out against myself the next time I actually did something right, just to make sure I couldn’t escape my world of utter chaos I had create and become so accustomed to living. Eventually I was stuck in a web of lies I couldn’t possibly get out of. I believed the lies I told to others and the lies I had told to myself. I no longer had a clue what the truth was about anything.
After a long time of active drug use I would have the thought that maybe something wasn’t working out. I would go through the thoughts of trying something to “fix myself”, but it never had anything to do with getting clean. I would agree with myself to “cut down” but then I would start feeling and that was the end of that idea. I couldn’t even begin to deal with the immense guilt that would hit me all at once. I couldn’t believe all the things I did to my family, let alone myself. So it was always back to using; someone, some place, anything to forget…
…But today I live a program. A higher power and a loving fellowship known as Narcotics Anonymous has shown me that working the Steps and living a clean life I’ve already begun making amends to those I am blessed to still have in my life. The guilt, its all still there. But today I don’t have to fear it because I know that by doing the next right thing, I am taking the steps to learn a new way to live. One where I don’t continuously burn my bridges before there even built.
Today I know that I have forgiven myself. I can look my children in the eyes and show them my love. Where it can be understood I have explained to them and others how, when, and why I messed up and more importantly what I am, and what I am willing to do today to make up for my mistakes. I wake up now asking for God’s will in my life and not my own, for the strength and courage to carry his will out, and the wisdom and patience to deal with the consequences of my actions: not with a feeling of impending doom wondering what “I” can do to make things right.
Very recently I was forced to deal with someone that I had much resentment towards. Early on in recovery I asked for suggestions on what to do about these resentments and I was told to pray for her well being, so I did. I didn’t even realize it at first; I had no ill feelings toward her.
That’s when I truly new I had forgiven myself. I had forgiven another so freely. (God doing for me what I could never do for myself)
Someday soon I’ll be ready and prepared to make direct amends. But in the meantime I’ll show gratitude for being taught how to live life not making more situations for which I will need to make those amends.
An Addict Named -Nathaniel R.-